Imaginary Numbers

by Grover Lawlis, MD

Imaginary numbers, what are those?

Sounds like the result of blow in your nose.

Not really, not at all true.

Out of them grew

How to explain the link between

the Cosmos and the String.

They could maybe explain

Why water swirls down a drain,

Karma is how touching one thing we suspect

another far away in time it will effect.

Like a pebble dropped in our emotional pond,

ripples through the whole of the soul.

What can a shooting star be?

A beautiful firework for you and me?

Or might it collide with our orb of protection,

And take us all out in sudden extinction?

Like it’s once said to have done,

And it caused an Ice Age, all life gone.

Yet, we seem so safe in our air balloon cocoon.

To what do we attribute this great boon?

Imaginary numbers, much is defined

by this attribute, this agility ability of our Mind.

copyright 2011 Grover Lawlis

About Being Gay and Religious Community

I found this blog through my partner, Nate Klarfeld and it so expresses feelings I have had that I decided it was worth posting:
"One Thing
by Ely Winkler
In a recent interview that can be found HERE, I was asked two very difficult questions that I will go into this post and the next post. Shout out to the awesome YU Beacon and my interviewer for letting me share this."

I was asked if there was one thing I could tell the Orthodox community, for all to know, what would it be. Coming to the answer to this question took some time. There is so much I want the Orthodox community to know- that I want to have a “normal” life like the rest of them, that just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m any different from them, that I plan on living an Orthodox lifestyle to the best of my ability, that being gay was not planned, expected, or asked for- but none of these were really just one thing for me to tell the community, so here’s what I went with:


'That being gay is not a choice. It’s not something I ever wished for, and not something I strive to push on anyone who is uncomfortable with it.'


I did not choose to be gay or ask for it or beg for my life to be more difficult. I wished and cried for the opposite. I simply tried to live a “normal” modern Orthodox life, like all my friends, but found myself attracted to the same sex instead of the opposite. After too much pain and struggle, I realized that just because I was gay, I was not going to allow that to stop me from living the “normal” modern Orthodox life; I just hope to do it with a man instead of a woman. Being gay, for almost all individuals struggling is not a choice- if it were, why would we choose the other path? Why would we want to go against the Torah? Why would we beg and plead for communities to accept us for who we are?"

This is something the Orthodox community needs to recognize, because too often people are cast aside or hurt and not accepted. Why? Because it's viewed as something that is more or less in our control, and it's not. Just like a heterosexual's attraction towards women is not in their control, so too for the homosexual, the attraction is not in their control. For all these reasons I had to use this one thing to tell the Orthodox community- being gay is almost always not a choice. Just some food for thought."
--
When will we all learn to live and love in peace?
Hugs to all of my readers and thanks to Ely Winkler for these expressive paragraphs,
Grover Lawlis

Debbie Friedman and the Tragedy of the Closet

Debbie Friedman and the Tragedy of the Closet
I once attended a Debbie Friedman concert at a synagogue near where I live and heard she was lesbian. I was told that the woman with her was her partner and always wondered who this person was. I want to publicly state that whoever she is I am with her in her loss and sorrow and wish everyone could have known both Debbie and her partner.
She was much loved and will live on in the beautiful music she produced that became a part of our Jewish life. At a time when we see so much anger in our country against those who are different or who differ it is a particularly poignant moment, a moment when at the same time a Jewish democratic congresswoman's life is in such peril. I abhor the violence that has taken place and the discrimination in America that made Debbie feel her relationship was in some way less than. We are indeed a backward undeveloped country with many in our country who are naive enough to think we are still a world leader. We lead others solely in military might which is not leadership. I also pray for the backward thinking American public that they may truly come into the light to address their shortcomings.

From Christmas to Hannukah

In 2004 I converted to Judaism because of an evolution in my belief system that made it more compatible with my emotional life than Christianity which has been distorted beyond recognition by some provincial conservative elements in this country from a spirituality based on love and acceptance of our humanity to a hate-filled radical racist extremism based on religious dogma. More specifically, I came to believe in the Jewish philosophy of Kabballah. The origins of the Hannukah story come from the rededication of the Temple in Jerusalem after it was retaken from the Syrian ruler Antiochas IV in the second century B.C.E. That history, some of which is verifiable, some of which is not, is not what is relevant to me. It has also been called The Festival of Lights, and candles are lit every evening of the eight evenings with prayers praising G-d. I light them with Nate, the love of my life.

Light as revered in the Eternal Flame worshiped in Judaism is a symbol of life eternal, and I mean by that the infinite energy of the Universe with which we are one. It is the same life providing force recognized universally among religions East and West. The Tao Te Ching wu wei and pu echo the recognition of energy, energy potentials, and the infinity of energy, space, and time. What becomes important about this energy is not its knowability or even its usefulness to us, but rather the acknowledgement of its presence or existence. Its unknowability, its ineffability becomes the significant feature.

What I cannot know is infinite. What I can know is only what I believe about a very few things. I believe that my happiness depends a great deal on my ability to accept, to love, to accept love, to seek peace, and to do what I can to make the world better, no matter how small my contribution may seem to be. I believe that gratitude contributes to my happiness, so I continually must remind myself of that.

So, during The Festival of Lights, I celebrate the light and what it means to me. I celebrate Life and the Force that allows me to experience it.

DADT,To Protect or To Persecute

EinSof is a monistic concept of God that holds that anything done in the universe affects everything else in the universe. DADT was on the brink of being repealed yesterday and at the same time was declared unconstitutional that the Republican machine blocked passage of the military spending bill its repeal was attached to. This occurred in spite of a poll indicating 75% of the American public wants it repealed. You Dem's out there angry at the Democratic Party need to reflect on what will happen if the Republicans are given more power in the mid-term elections. I encourage you all to go to the polls and vote for your party in spite of your anger and disappointment over whatever. This policy certainly fits with the concept of EinSof, because it's effect reach much further than the soldiers in our military.

Consider the three following points: It was framed under Clinton as a means to protect gay military personnel but, in fact, has been used or more accurately abused to proceed with a witch hunt that has resulted in the discharge of many gay service men based on anonymous accusations and invasion of privacy (ex. reading private e-mails); it is based on a psychologically unhealthy approach for all involved by encouraging people to hide who they really are and to lie by omission; and it is based on homophobia and discrimination against this minority group in America. If discrimination is fostered by the American government it means that any minority can be persecuted in this way.


Senator McCain was confronted by The Advocate that the air force in the instance of the discharge of a captain used his private e-mail to make their case that he is a gay man, even though he had not violated the DADT policy. Senator McCain very nastily maintained that the military does not do this until he realized he was on shaky ground and changed his words to "That is not the policy!" which he repeated angrily over and over again. People do get angry when they get caught lying. This has therefore affected the entire fabric of the integrity of our military and our government and if the American people are being lied to it has affected our society as well.

It has been shown that gay people are no different psychologically than the rest of our population and that it is psychologically unhealthy for them to live without revealing to family, friends, and co-workers who they really are. There is a sickness in our military establishment and it is called homophobia, an irrational hatred and persecution of homosexual individuals. The deleterious effects of homophobia, i.e. depression, substance abuse, and suicide are well documented. Should we tolerate our government and military establishment actively maintaining this psychologically unhealthy, destructive and discriminatory policy? If President Obama can end this with a stroke of a pen and doesn't, is he homophobic? He says he is not, but actions are what we must go by, and I am beginning to seriously question if the president is not engaging in the same discriminatory behaviour his own race has struggled with.

If we are to survive as a nation, we must be united and we cannot be if discrimination in any form is tolerated. It is too divisive. We must rid ourselves of this disease, and I call on our president to lead us out of this state of malady. What does it take to get his attention? In the racial unrest of the mid-twentieth century it took violence before racism was addressed. Would it come to that again before this country wakes up and smells the coffee? I can only say I hope not.

Ein Sof - א'ן סוף - A Belief System

It seems currently unpopular to have a belief in G-d. The question of greatest import in a belief system whether you call it G-d or Buddha or Tao is what purpose it serves. There is a concept called monism not to be confused with monotheism. Monism is the belief system of the Kabbalah theology, it is the notion of one G-d that is everywhere and everything including ourselves.

This single being includes the absence of everything also. To be in touch with this entity then is to be aware of yourself in the present as it is now, because its totality is everchanging so that the only way to be a part of it is in the present. Think of being the observer and the observed at one time. I find that meditation is the only way I can ever hope to achieve this experience. It is the ultimate of self-awareness for me. As the experience materializes, I feel an inner peace and the genuine ability to move outside of myself and thoughts occur to me generally of an existential nature for which I cannot find words.

The purpose of my theism is the feeling of inner peace and the awareness of self and not self, but most importantly to be in touch with the feeling of being one with all or one with infinity so, that at the same time, there is no separation between self and not self. These are very incredible and indescribable feelings that make me a better person, because I begin to truly care about more than myself. I care more about other people, the earth, other beings in general, and the forces that guide us through life as well as the forces that guide the universe. I, therefore, act to benefit others and the world around me, because I am aware of it and care about it. This is why I believe in G-d,in Ein Sof.

Do you have feelings of inner peace and purpose? Does this or another belief system make sense to you and make you a better person? I welcome any comments.

What is Intimacy?

I recently saw a gay blog site that quoted statistics that indicated that about one half of the gay couples in the San Fransisco area have open relationships. As I perused the comments about open relationships and how people think the incidence is much higher,etc., I did not see one comment about intimacy. The primary reason my partner and I of 7 years don't have an open relationship is that the moment a third party enters into the private territory of our sexual relationship, there is a break in the intimacy.

Intimacy is that special feeling that makes you know you are number one in your partner's list of priorities, and that the loss of the relationship with you is the last thing he wants to happen. It is the sense that there is some individual in your life that you know loves you beyond a shadow of a doubt. It is the feeling that there is one individual you know you can trust with knowing everything about you. It is the feeling that if something bad happens to you (ex. you get sick) that he will be there to help you when you can't help yourself. In short, it is the feeling that you come first in the other person's life except perhaps a child.

What is the only difference between you and a friend? Isn't it sex? The sexual relationship is the one part of the relationship you are not expected to share. You may choose to share it at some point, but I think that is the point where inevitably there is a fundamental change in the basis of the relationship. Is that a change that you really want to make? It is not one that we want to make. What you get from it seems far less valuable to us than what you lose.

It is an individual choice of course, but I think it is a choice all too often that is made too lightly. I feel that it is made because something is out of kilter or dying in the relationship, and it will go unexamined. There are tremendous boundary and trust issues that must be negotiated to open a relationship. It seems simpler to work on the relationship than go through all of that.

To sum it up, that is what I think and we think about Living and Loving. Till next blog.
Grover